Avoiding Insidious Victim-Shaming: Insights for those on a precipice and those caring for them

At the base of the river, do you wonder why the tree chose that spot to grow? Do you lament the stupidity or irresponsibility of that tree? Probably not. Most people simply look at that tree and assume it had the simple misfortune of sprouting up there or that the area has changed significantly over time. Yet, we usually aren’t as generous with people. Advocacy has shifted the conversation surrounding sexual assault away from what the victim wore, how he/she acted, and what mixed signals could’ve been sent. However, typically when we hear that something bad has happened, we think about what we would’ve done differently so we wouldn’t have been a victim.

This unintentional victim-blaming often happens to people who find themselves on a precipice. I certainly heard innumerable questions about my cancer diagnosis from people who were well-intentioned and caring. “Nope, never smoked or drank alcohol. Yes, I exercise and eat healthy. Nope, no family history or genetic markers.” After hearing known causative factors are negative, people often switch to a “glad they caught it early” battle cry. Even medical and mental health professionals do this. But, why? Well, psychology has taught us that people attempt to put psychological space between themselves and something they fear. We don’t initially think “oh, let’s blame the woman who suffered a miscarriage” or “that pedestrian in the crosswalk deserved to be run over by the drunk driver.” Rather, to protect ourselves from intense anxiety and to develop a functional level of denial, we create a narrative that attributes more individual control for negative situations than may sometimes exist. Certainly, life isn’t completely random, and our choices can shape outcomes; however, our mind needs to make sense of the element of chance that still exists. We need to avoid dwelling on the potential misfortune that can strike any of us at any time. Hence, we cling to the idea that we have more control in certain situations than we might actually have. If an athletic, fit, young man who wears a mask and socially distances dies of Covid-19, we immediately think he must have some sort of underlying medical condition. The idea of a random anomaly is too frightening: if he and I are no different whatsoever, then I could find myself in that identical situation.

Awareness of the arbitrariness of bad things occurring also wears away at the belief in a “just world.” Most people, especially those who have not experienced trauma or health crises, like to trust in karma: that good things happen to good people and vice versa. When something doesn’t fit this “just world” narrative, it can upset our concept of the world, our ideas about justice and fairness, and our faith. We often create a narrative about why such misfortune would not happen to us, and we connect and internalize stories and experiences that support our narrative while distancing ourselves from those that do not.

Whether we are on that precipice ourselves or caring for someone else who is, coping with that vulnerability can help us feel and function better. When I was diagnosed with cancer, my precipice was suddenly at the forefront of my life, yet I came to realize that all of us can easily have something occur in our lives that reveals that we, too, are on a precipice. The bottom can always drop out from beneath us. The power and control do not really come from our inability to prevent this; our control lies in how we face this existential truth.

On a precipice? Please CLICK HERE for some suggestions for how to address vulnerability.

Supporting a friend or family member on a precipice? Please CLICK HERE for some tips about how to manage your own concerns to more effectively help your loved one.

Mental health or medical professional treating individuals who are facing on a precipice? CLICK HERE for some thoughts that might help you and your patients.