Avoiding Insidious Victim-Shaming: Suggestions for providing support

Supporting a friend or family member on a precipice?

People on a precipice often face insidious victim-shaming, and some more information about how this occurs can be found here. If you're struggling with trying to support someone on a precipice, try to remember that simply being present for the person is helpful. You don’t need to look for magic words to make the other person feel better. A sincere “I’m sorry you’re going through this” can go a long way. “This seems so unfair” is much better than suggesting the hardship is a message from the universe. (This happens much more than you’d think!)

Particularly with certain medical challenges, like cancer, the focus on positivity that permeates the literature, particularly in survivor stories, shows little theoretical support and can be isolating. The research hasn’t consistently demonstrated that cancer cells behave differently and the chemical properties of treatment work differently if the person is optimistic. Yet, this concept is pushed and can be victim-shaming and isolating. People don’t imply that someone who was raped or murdered was somehow “less positive” than those who did not find themselves a victim. If this tree on the ledge falls when the ground beneath it crumbles, was it not positive enough? A pep talk of “you’ve gotten through rough stuff in the past” or “maybe some time to regroup might be helpful” often feels much better to someone on a precipice than a platitude like “just stay positive” or “everything will be fine.”

If your fear or anxiety is overflowing into other areas of your life or is preventing you from being the support you would like to be, you might benefit from resources available to caregivers, such as support groups, respite care, educational resources, and therapy or coaching. Watching someone you care about struggle on a precipice stirs up a wide range of emotions, and exploring and processing your own feelings of vulnerability can help both you and your loved one.